1. Nobody carries shoes in my size. What size is that you ask? Huge! And extra-wide. I can't help it. I was born with these feet. My daddy used to take me in the shoe store when I was a little girl and tell the lady to throw the shoes away and give me the box to try on. I've been struggling ever since to find a pair of shoes that fit. There is no such thing as walking into a store, picking up a pair of shoes, trying them on and buying them. Noooooo....that would be too much to ask. Unfortunately, I've never been able to share my friends' obsession with shoes because I'm still looking for a pair that fits! So, sadly, tonight after looking at several stores, I remain shoeless. Well, except for some scruffy tennis shoes, a pair of beat up sandals, a pair of church shoes that hurt my toes and some flip flops. Now I understand why they called that guy Shoeless Joe. I bet he couldn't find shoes anywhere either.
2. Speaking of shopping, my dear, wonderful husband has this thing he enjoys doing at the register in Walmart from time to time. I truly don't understand why he has so much fun with it, but thankfully, I've managed to make him understand it's going to get him injured one day and he's pretty much stopped it. Don't ask me why he does it. When I ask, he can't explain it to me either. But we put everything on the counter (that we shopped for together, by the way). He has a friendly conversation with the checkout person and then, when she gives us the grand total, he pauses, pen in mid-air poised over the checkbook, looks at me and says "Why did you spend all that money?" He thinks this is hilarious. His eyes twinkle and light up. It goes up my spine like fingernails on a chalkboard. The poor check out person watches to see if there's going to be a domestic dispute at her register. The first few times I smiled tightly and told him quietly to "hush." But did he? Noooo. He kept it up until one day I had enough. I think he understands now that I don't think that little line is funny or entertaining. But I'm still waiting. Every time we go through a checkout, I give him the evil eye. So far it's working.
3. And last of all, (for tonight at least) what about the people who have really loud private conversations with each other in public places. Call me strange but I just don't like to call attention to myself. But there are some people who have no problem with it whatsoever. In fact, they seem to thrive on it. Everywhere you go there's going to be at least one of them using their "Joan Rivers" voice to explain to their husband/kids/friend something that you are not the least bit interested in, but have to endure because you can't get past them. "I TOLD YOU TO PUT THAT PACK OF PORK CHOPS BACK! HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THESE PRICES? WE'LL BE EATING GRITS AND EGGS THIS WEEK I TELL YOU. GEORGE, IF YOU POP THAT GUM AGAIN I'M GONNA WHACK YOU UP SIDE THE HEAD. GO AHEAD AND CRY. I'M NOT BRINGING YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE AGAIN. DO YOU HEAR ME? NO YOU CAN'T HAVE THOSE COOKIES! ALL YOU CHILDREN KNOW HOW TO DO IS WANT. WANT, WANT, WANT! YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK. SIT DOWN IN THAT BUGGY, BE QUIET AND HOLD ON! OH, LOOK CABBAGE IS ON SALE!"
These are just a few of the things that take me over the edge and dangle me. I'm not sure but they could also have something to do with the fact that I don't like shopping. Or that I can't find new shoes. And it's entirely possible this whole tirade has resulted from my trip to Walmart earlier tonight. I feel much better now. It's so peaceful and quiet here. Me and my fat little feet are going to bed now. Goodnight.